Kardinal Offishall comes from the T-dot—that’s Toronto, for those who don’t know—and if the hip-hop game was a game of basketball, he’d get a T for the nastiness that comes out his mouth. So do the right thing and see what he has to say about Do the Right Thing the movie, and then check his Do the Right Thing mixtape with Clinton Sparks at myspace.com/kardinaloffishall.

First pair that made you say, “Wow, I need those.”
It was definitely adidas Shelltoes! Once I saw Run-DMC wit those? Forget it.

Favorite pair?
A pair of custom-design high-cut AF1s, black wit’ the gum sole. Murdered by C-Williams.

Favorite box/packaging?
The Jordans that came in the metal suitcase!

Favorite sneaker lyric?
“My adidas” by Run-DMC.

Thing you hate about sneakers?
Anybody can get ’em, so when a lame is wearing something fresh, it brings down the sneaker real estate.

Thing you love about sneakers?
They can come in so many colors, so there’s always a way to find an improved version of what you got already.

Personal sneaker rule?
Dirty? Don’t wear ’em outside the gates.

Do you have a pair that you’ve never worn?
Yes, a limited edition (and numbered) AF1 that Nike sent to me that was voted “Favorite AF1.”

You get to design a sneaker with one designer. Who would it be?
Whoever designed them Spizzikes!

Favorite sneaker shop?
Bodega in Boston. They always have the freshest styles. And sizes.

Thoughts on the current sneaker culture?
It’s a little outta hand. Perpetrators are pretending to be collectors, but they runnin’ wit’ re-issued joints…

Favorite sneaker scene from a movie?
When Buggin’ Out got his Js fucked up by the white boy carrying his bike in Do The Right Thing!

Favorite sneaker commercial?
Jordan and Mars Blackmon for Air Jordans.

Pair that you still can’t find in your size?
The black Spizzikes with the red and green trim. Help anyone?

What’re you wearing right now?
A pair of Nike iD Dunks.

How many pairs you own?
I give away my shoes to the needy after they wrinkle or get mad dirty beyond repair, so the number fluctuates. I feel it’s a sin to just have thousands of shoes you never wear, but that’s just me…

If you’re not wearing sneakers, what’s on your feet?
Clarks, all the way!

When I was growing up, R&B songs were just that—songs. They were beautifully crafted pieces of musical bliss with thoughtful and moving lyrics supported with inspiring instrumentals. R&B—or as I like to call it, “Redundant Bullshit”—is now so oversexed that I’m sure it contains at least three STDs and a cold sore. The other day my girl and I were in the car and my radio ADD kicked in, so I’m flippin’ through the channels and I stop on KDAY—the pusherman of bad R&B in LA—when I hear Usher’s song “Make Love In This Club.” At first, I couldn’t believe he would use such a dumb-ass title for a song. Then I couldn’t believe it was Usher. I know he’s corny, but I always felt Usher got his star shitted on by Justin Timberlake. (Honestly? Justin makes better music. Sorry, my brothers. But I digress.)

Ever since R&B figured out that it could sell more records by jumping on the hip-hop train and hip-hop realized that it needed R&B to reach the female demographic, it’s been a hot mess of really bad music. Worst of all is the song titles. My God, where is the creativity? What about leaving something to the imagination?

This led me to create a list—a partial list at that. I would need a team of 10 scandalous females working full-time, diligently scanning the internet for past and present titles to make a proper list, and frankly I don’t have that. Plus the editor has been on my ass for my new column.

I know I missed a lot of really good bad titles, but the following are just some of my favorites that I’ve been lucky enough to hear firsthand.

“Bump N’ Grind”
R. Kelly
This song came out when some girls were still wearing those thong bodysuits. When you could walk up to a girl in the club and ask her to knock boots and she knew exactly what was about to go down…and I don’t see nothin’ wrong with that.

“I Like The Crotch On You”
R. Kelly
This song could totally suck but the title saves it. It’s like Kobe in game one of the Western Conference Finals against the Spurs. The Lakers were playing like shit but then here comes number 24 to the rescue. A title like “I Like The Crotch On You” will save any half-assed Kelly melody.

“Feelin’ On Your Booty”
R. Kelly
During the ’90s R&B got lazy and stopped beating around the bush, so to speak. Again we find our friend Kells doing what he does best, creating song titles that let you exactly know what is goin’ down.

“Sex In The Kitchen”
R. Kelly
At this point, why the hell not? People think sex in the kitchen is hot and erotic? Well, I don’t want no ass on the kitchen counter—that’s where my girl puts my breakfast burritos.

“Sex Weed”
R. Kelly
Serious?! Really? Haha!

“I’m In Love With A Stripper”
T-Pain
This guy took the baton from R. Kelly and made like Jesse Owens. Every guy knows that you don’t fall in love with a stripper.

“Bartender”
T-Pain
The remix of “I’m In Love With A Stripper.” I love the fact that he rolls up to the club in a Mini on 20-inch rims. Besides that, this guy falls for all the wrong girls. Money, they’re supposed to be nice to you, damn. Honestly, you can’t deny the pure genius of “She made us drinks to drink, / We drunk ’em, got drunk”; that’s on some Rain Man shit.

“Buy You A Drank”
T-Pain
It’s come to my attention that Mr. Pain likes strippers and dranks. It seems like he sits at a bar, listens to conversations and just uses sound bites as song titles. He should make a song titled, “I don’t really sound like this, it’s all done in studio.”

“Love In This Club”
Usher
I actually never had anything against Usher…up until now. This title is retarded. I mean really, c’mon dude, I figured you would be smarter than this. This sounds like something you hear at some Tijuana club. Wait, oh my God, it is one of those songs. I can’t wait to hear the TJ techno mix and the dancehall version. Fiya! Fiya!

“Smell Your Dick”
Riskay
This is the song that Destiny’s Child wished they could’ve made but B’s dad would have had no part of that. I wonder how many girls after hearing this song ask their boyfriends or husbands to actually let them smell their dicks? Fellas: keep some Axe body spray in the glove compartment.

“Smack That”
Akon
This fan-throwing, grinding-underage-girls, making-up-a-criminal-past douchebag is part of the axis of evil that dominates the airwaves. I don’t know what kind of girls he likes but if I smacked my girl’s ass until it gets sore, I’m not getting my grilled cheese for a week and I’ll be forced to watch the Tyra Banks show on TiVo.

“Shawty is a Ten”
The Dream ft. Fabulous
First of all, have you seen this dude called the Dream? I don’t know who Dream he thinks he is, but homie is one Ding Dong away from the Sears Husky collection. No wait, that’s not fair. He’s actually one twang away from sounding like T-Pain and Akon’s love child. Dude, it’s spelled Shorty—S-H-O-R-T-Y. Tomorrow we’ll work on our shapes and numbers.

“I’m Toe Up”
Problem
The problem is you can’t spell either and use the wrong word to sound hood. I know this song isn’t R&B but I couldn’t resist.

Hello my name is…
Clinton Sparks.

Aka…
Mr. Get Familiar.

I was raised in…
Boston. Dorchester to be specific.

The reason that you’re reading about me is…
I’m a DJ, producer, songwriter, and a TV and radio personality.

I work for…
Myself, The Daily 10 on E!, Body English in the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino Las Vegas, and the fans.

Right now I’m working on…
Ludacris, Beyonce, Colby O’Donis, and Bun B’s albums, as well as my album and my new artist Supastar L.T.’s album. Also working on music with Akon, Ne-Yo and the PCD’s.

But I’d rather be…
I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing in my life, if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be doing it.

I’ve worked with…
Akon, Diddy, Luda, Bun B, Busta Rhymes, Kanye West, Clipse, Kardinal Offishall…

I’d love to work with…
Teddy Riley, Weezer, Pink, Jay-Z and anybody open minded and willing to experiment with new ideas and sounds.

My most prized possessions are…
My family, my team (Daouda: manager, Kamau: engineer, DJ BK: assistant engineer), and my ability to understand different personalities and deal with irrational, difficult people.

The first thing I do in the morning is…
When I’m at home: put my contacts in, have breakfast with my son, vacuum my studio, then get to work. When I’m on the road: check my Blackberry, then get to work.

The last thing I do at night is…
When I’m at home: turn off my equipment and check out some online porn. When I’m on the road: I check out some porn then lie down and fall asleep watching TV.

I can’t travel without…
My Blackberry and laptop.

My momma always said…
I don’t know. I didn’t listen to her much, except when she yelled, “Turn that music down!”

I love it when people…
Help each other out and show courtesy to one another.

I can’t stand when people…
Are unappreciative—it’s disgusting.

I have too many…
Things I want to accomplish and friends.

I don’t have enough…
Time or real friends.

I spend too much money on…
My house and plane tickets.

The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen is…
My son being born.

The ugliest thing I’ve ever seen is…
My wife’s face while that was happening! Just joking, she was beautiful.

I really should…
Hurry up and finish recording my album so I can be making more records for other people.

If you ever see me walking down the street…
I’m in a rush, so it wouldn’t be the best time to get my attention with an “I’m the hottest artist in the world” speech.

My most notable run-in with the law…
Was when I was in the judge’s chambers and the judge gave the plaintiff the choice of me going to juvenile prison or home after I was caught breaking in her house and was going to mash her with a frying pan in order to get out of the house, but she walked by without noticing me so I made a break for it. She told the judge let me go home. Bless her heart!

If I had to say sorry it would be because…
I spend all my time working. That’s the reason I wrote the “Sorry Blame It On Me” record with Akon. It’s a true story!

The last time I swore I’d never drink was after a night of…
Watching my dad as a kid almost kill my mom when he was drunk when I was 5. I decided I would never drink. If there is more negative than positive with something, then I want nothing to do with it.

You can catch me…
On The Daily 10 on E! every Tuesday at 7:30 and midnight, at Smashtime Saturdays at Body English in Las Vegas, every week on my worldwide syndicated radio show Smashtime radio (also on Shade 45 on SIRIUS and smashtimeradio.com), smashing down a club in your country or city, and on clintonsparks.com.

Future projects and plans…
My album is coming out soon, Supastar L.T.’s album, announcing my first major record deal and a massive new mixtape I’m dropping on 2008 featuring Ludacris, Rick Ross, Jim Jones, Akon, Clipse, Yung Joc, Kardinal Offishal, Busta Rhymes…

And before I leave I’d like to give a shout out to…
Everyone that enjoys what I do and comes to the clubs I smash, bumps my mixtapes, and anyone that has ever told anyone else to get familiar with Clinton Sparks. Thank you!