When did Ed Hardy get a ghetto pass? When was the meeting of the black folks committee? Did I miss the chance to veto that bill? For fuck sake, brothers and sisters I beg you, STOP WEARING THAT SHIT! I understand that we as black people like to be flashy and all that, but at what point does good taste get thrown out the window for absolute corniness?

How did this trend start, anyway? Every now and then I would see some black celebrity rockin’ an Ed Hardy hat (Sean Paul, lookin’ at you), and then all of a sudden it snowballed into a full black rocker outfit (thanks, Jim Jones). Now it’s like I can’t walk five feet without seeing some brother or sister wearing some vintage-treated shirt with an embroidered snake wrapped around a knife stuck into a heart with glitter n’ shit all over it. Holy fuckin’ Bedazzler. Do you know how utterly ridiculous you look?

I feel like Roddy Piper in movie They Live and I’m rockin’ those special sunglasses and these Ed Hardy fools are aliens trying to take over the world with bad clothes. I swear there must be some sort of mind control beam pushing the weak-minded followers into buying. And the fucked up part—it’s working. Very well.

But where did it all go wrong for my black race? Well, the hard truth is that it didn’t start with Ed Hardy, it started with Von Dutch. Remember them? When Von Dutch came out I thought it was only for white lifted truck dudes in the OC or Vegas strippers. I never imagined that it would make its way into the damn hood! I mean, besides skateboarding, everything starts in the hood. But just like The Highlander, there can be only one and the powerhouse of glitter that is Ed Hardy quickly turned Von Dutch into another sale rack at Ross Dress For Less.

Where is Maurice Malone when you need him?

But my distaste toward Ed Hardy, Christian Audigier, and Von Dutch isn’t exclusive. Oh no. I hate a lot of clothing brands that produce ghetto glitter products. Let’s go back some months to January, shall we?

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