When I was growing up, R&B songs were just that—songs. They were beautifully crafted pieces of musical bliss with thoughtful and moving lyrics supported with inspiring instrumentals. R&B—or as I like to call it, “Redundant Bullshit”—is now so oversexed that I’m sure it contains at least three STDs and a cold sore. The other day my girl and I were in the car and my radio ADD kicked in, so I’m flippin’ through the channels and I stop on KDAY—the pusherman of bad R&B in LA—when I hear Usher’s song “Make Love In This Club.” At first, I couldn’t believe he would use such a dumb-ass title for a song. Then I couldn’t believe it was Usher. I know he’s corny, but I always felt Usher got his star shitted on by Justin Timberlake. (Honestly? Justin makes better music. Sorry, my brothers. But I digress.)
Ever since R&B figured out that it could sell more records by jumping on the hip-hop train and hip-hop realized that it needed R&B to reach the female demographic, it’s been a hot mess of really bad music. Worst of all is the song titles. My God, where is the creativity? What about leaving something to the imagination?
This led me to create a list—a partial list at that. I would need a team of 10 scandalous females working full-time, diligently scanning the internet for past and present titles to make a proper list, and frankly I don’t have that. Plus the editor has been on my ass for my new column.
I know I missed a lot of really good bad titles, but the following are just some of my favorites that I’ve been lucky enough to hear firsthand.
“Bump N’ Grind”
R. Kelly
This song came out when some girls were still wearing those thong bodysuits. When you could walk up to a girl in the club and ask her to knock boots and she knew exactly what was about to go down…and I don’t see nothin’ wrong with that.
“I Like The Crotch On You”
R. Kelly
This song could totally suck but the title saves it. It’s like Kobe in game one of the Western Conference Finals against the Spurs. The Lakers were playing like shit but then here comes number 24 to the rescue. A title like “I Like The Crotch On You” will save any half-assed Kelly melody.
“Feelin’ On Your Booty”
R. Kelly
During the ’90s R&B got lazy and stopped beating around the bush, so to speak. Again we find our friend Kells doing what he does best, creating song titles that let you exactly know what is goin’ down.
“Sex In The Kitchen”
R. Kelly
At this point, why the hell not? People think sex in the kitchen is hot and erotic? Well, I don’t want no ass on the kitchen counter—that’s where my girl puts my breakfast burritos.
“Sex Weed”
R. Kelly
Serious?! Really? Haha!
“I’m In Love With A Stripper”
T-Pain
This guy took the baton from R. Kelly and made like Jesse Owens. Every guy knows that you don’t fall in love with a stripper.
“Bartender”
T-Pain
The remix of “I’m In Love With A Stripper.” I love the fact that he rolls up to the club in a Mini on 20-inch rims. Besides that, this guy falls for all the wrong girls. Money, they’re supposed to be nice to you, damn. Honestly, you can’t deny the pure genius of “She made us drinks to drink, / We drunk ’em, got drunk”; that’s on some Rain Man shit.
“Buy You A Drank”
T-Pain
It’s come to my attention that Mr. Pain likes strippers and dranks. It seems like he sits at a bar, listens to conversations and just uses sound bites as song titles. He should make a song titled, “I don’t really sound like this, it’s all done in studio.”
“Love In This Club”
Usher
I actually never had anything against Usher…up until now. This title is retarded. I mean really, c’mon dude, I figured you would be smarter than this. This sounds like something you hear at some Tijuana club. Wait, oh my God, it is one of those songs. I can’t wait to hear the TJ techno mix and the dancehall version. Fiya! Fiya!
“Smell Your Dick”
Riskay
This is the song that Destiny’s Child wished they could’ve made but B’s dad would have had no part of that. I wonder how many girls after hearing this song ask their boyfriends or husbands to actually let them smell their dicks? Fellas: keep some Axe body spray in the glove compartment.
“Smack That”
Akon
This fan-throwing, grinding-underage-girls, making-up-a-criminal-past douchebag is part of the axis of evil that dominates the airwaves. I don’t know what kind of girls he likes but if I smacked my girl’s ass until it gets sore, I’m not getting my grilled cheese for a week and I’ll be forced to watch the Tyra Banks show on TiVo.
“Shawty is a Ten”
The Dream ft. Fabulous
First of all, have you seen this dude called the Dream? I don’t know who Dream he thinks he is, but homie is one Ding Dong away from the Sears Husky collection. No wait, that’s not fair. He’s actually one twang away from sounding like T-Pain and Akon’s love child. Dude, it’s spelled Shorty—S-H-O-R-T-Y. Tomorrow we’ll work on our shapes and numbers.
“I’m Toe Up”
Problem
The problem is you can’t spell either and use the wrong word to sound hood. I know this song isn’t R&B but I couldn’t resist.
