Describe your very first bike.

It was a Red Huffy I got from Santa Claus when I was five years old. I sat on that thing outside my house for hours until my dad got home from work so he could teach me how to ride it. After he got home I fully ate shit and then hated it.

Describe your current bike.

I have way too many bikes to just describe one. I have four track bikes and four BMX cruisers. I love all of my children equally.

Why do you bike?

’Cause I’m way fat and it helps me keep the pounds off.

Do you believe in aliens? If so, what do their bikes look like?

Sure, and they look like the “Patriot” that Jupiter runs. That thing is all sorts of fucked.

Who would win in a fight between Lance Armstrong and Lance Mountain?

Pff. Lance, of course.

What’s the greatest bike song ever?

“Send Me an Angel” from Rad. It’s not really a bike song, but it’s associated with one of the greatest movie scenes of all time.