Describe your current bike, in detail, like you’re narrating a bike porno.

Oh, the CSBC Patriot? It was liberated from Tony awhile back. Actually, I traded him for it in exchange for a complete Allen key set, some Bud Light tall cans and a handsome lamp from Ikea. Quite the bargain. The Patriot is an anonymous custom-built 52cm aluminum road frame with these interesting fixed dropouts, meaning the hub can only specifically bolt on with absolute zero adjustments. Yeah I know, not sick. So then there’s Alex DH22 hoops, Suzue hubs, Continental rubber, a questionable headset, KMC Z-chain rigged with two half links, bargain basement MKS pedals, random footstraps, a handy aluminum water bottle cage, 165 Shimanos, some bent forks that pull to the left, Brooks saddle, mystery bull horn/chainring/cog/stem/post ?group? via Bicycle Kitchen (yeah, dudes!). Proudly, a 100 percent non-NJS build. 42 x 14 grown man gear ratio. Quite sobering when non-mashing up La Brea. I also hold an aluminum 24” GT box tube, an Invisible Man Shadow 24 someplace, a crappy lunch runner Haro 24” and a PK Ripper but those are long stories as well so we’ll keep it at that.

Why do you bike?

Actually, for about four months I’ve been out with a four-piece collarbone shatter and surgery, compliments of snowdorking. The five months prior to that, nights at the Dime, Cha Cha and Teddy’s got in the way a lot. So in current reality I don’t bike.

Why do you think razor scooters never made it big?

I just saw dudes filming and jumping down a long eight the other weekend at Pershing Square on them. With that let’s reconsider.

If you had to pick one thing to ride the rest of your life, would it be bikes, skateboards, or girls?

Well, considering I discovered all three in that exact order I may return to the beginning and end my life on a bike. However, Smith grinds are utterly unexplainable, so I’ll choose the skateboard.

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